©THE FEATHERS NEST 2019

NOTHING WILL BE THE SAME

November 16, 2017

 

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As my friends wake up, like a smooth kiss on the head their season greets them

& Here I lie afraid to open my eyes

I don’t want to wake up here again

I don’t want the mess of grief to greet me and roll about in my mind

To bounce against every word spoken and taken in 

I take 2 steps back with every move i make forward

 

How is this my life now? 

Sometimes I’d rather sit at home and think on that all day 

I don’t want to pretend that joy can simply just come and go

It doesn’t sit well with my stomach anymore

Joy may come but it’s met at the doors of my heart with an emptiness 

It alerts me to what’s missing in my hands

I’m reminded with every smile that there’s a tear begging to be released 

 

Most days I feel every one of my senses awakened by this horror

In a way that has opened the doors of my heart to everything good 

I take a look at things I had once feared, now to laugh in my own face 

Gratitude for what I have is heightened 

I’m aware of life's pleasures more than ever now

But what’s worse is I’m more aware of those who take them for granted

How could you?? 

Don’t you know every breath of your child is a blessing?

Every month they form a new bone, a new hair grows, organs form

I hate myself some days for seeing this all so clearly now

I envy those moms who take their kids health for granted, oh how I wish it could be me

Those who fly through a healthy pregnancy still with a mouth full of complaints

But what if I were them and they were me?

Would I ever understand it? Would this all still be such a gift to me?

I like to hope so

I like to think that I’d be aware, and that i wouldn’t dare take anything for granted

But I will never know

Just as they will never know all in the same

This is the crossroads of grief 

 

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For the first time since Sage passed away, we are home without family.

 

My mom, Ryan’s mom, and my sister were all here when she was born and during our time at the hospital. Then my mom stayed another 4 weeks to care for us and love on us during that first month without Sage. The day she left to go home to Toronto, we left to head to Dallas to be with Ryan’s family and to simply just get away. Now we’re back in California.

 

Coming home was very emotional for me. Another step into this scary world without Sage. More unknowns lying ahead of us, taunting us. And family flights away. 

 

With grief comes a flood of fears… lies… and impossibilities, so it seems.

 

I have wrestled with fear in so many shapes and sizes since the day she left this earth. It's as if every one of my thoughts is filtered through a web of them now. 

 

For me, one of the biggest fears of all is walking back into my life without anyone understanding all of this. This big gigantic thing that now follows us everywhere we go.

 

Will people notice it? Will they allow us to fully be ourselves as we walk this out? Will they empathize? Will they know what to say and what not to say? 

 

The fear of walking through life is so deep and so real after loss. When every inch of you has changed, but everything around you seems the same —this is the valley of grief.

 

The whole concept of learning to live in your “new normal” is daunting. Something I often see when people write about losing someone they love. But the feeling of walking out this new normal when no one truly understands it, and possibly still see's the old you —well that for me has been terrifying.

 

Being in the (unfortunate) category of a people pleaser, it isn’t easy for me to stand up for my own emotions if there’s a possibility of hurting another’s. Questions swam me every day: How am I to ever do this? To face people again? Ever be a friend again? Be myself again? Could I ever be honest outside these walls?? 

 

Thinking of the complications that come with merging back into a social life in the midst of grieving forms a deep haze over my eyes. These are the days it all feels impossible. 

 

 

 

 

 

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