I'll be honest. I was ANGRY with God in the beginning. I would be filled with blurry rage when I thought of Him after Sage's death —I didn't understand how this could be happening. It was a completely new feeling for me, never had I experienced feeling mad at God like this before. My relationship with Him always felt somewhat easy. I trusted and leaned on Him without second thought for the majority of my life & I could always see the bigger picture of His kindness through life's obstacles. But this was different. Everything became different when she died. I could no longer see His kindness. I was standing in the face of death, and in the face of not seeing healing after believing for it wholeheartedly.
I had to relearn everything I once knew so well.
While I was pregnant with Sage one of my anthems became the song "Life" by Hillsong United. I like to say it was her favourite too, because she would wiggle and move around almost on cue when it came on. “My God, my closest friend” —some of the closing lyrics. When I would sing them I would always have tears streaming down my face. That line hit so deep back then. It was beyond the truth for me...He was my closest companion. But now when I listen to that line I feel stillness...silence in my heart...nothing. Those words don't strike me in the heart like I so desperately wish they still did. How could I have gone from living and breathing the purest and most authentic relationship with God, to not even knowing how to utter a word to Him??
I've spent many days in silence. Nothing about prayer has felt natural anymore. I know He's ok with that. I simply have had nothing to say. No words suffice.
10 days after she passed I remember having an awful night, one that has stuck in my memory. All night I was stricken with a heavy sadness over Sage. I sobbed silently in bed at the thought of what I was living through. I couldn’t believe God had never answered our prayers, that He had chose not to heal her. I got up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom to just scream under my breath. I stood there on the cold floor in the dark and screamed in his face. I felt betrayed by my closest friend. Let down by the creator of my very bones. Abandoned and alone to trek these murky waters. I've fallen to my face many times in the fragile disbelief of what was happening & knowing I will never understand it.
Days passed and in the midst of all my questions I stumbled upon a scripture that for the first time brought a sense of comfort to my heart. I had been sent so many from people on God's love, His comfort in pain, His peace, His kindness and promises... but nothing spoke to my aching heart. I couldn't feel it, I couldn't feel Him. But then I read this sentence... these short, honest words —“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me??!” These words left the lips of Jesus, in his darkest hour. Questioning God, crying out to him! WHY?! In that moment of pain and anguish he looked to his Father and felted abandoned too.
He knew this pain.
Even though some days it still lingers and tears away at my heart, my anger has begun to lift. & it was in that moment that I felt Him beside me, understanding every emotion, with tears down his face.
He KNEW this pain too.
This didn't bring me answers. And it most certainly didn't take one ounce of pain away. But it shifted my eyes. I began to see the brokenness of this world in a different way, in a way that God himself was mourning over it. In a way that he understood, and that He too shed tears watching me lose my sweet Sage. I began to see Him in a way I never had. He was with me, standing patiently beside me, allowing me to be angry, allowing me to be confused.
He is patient in my silence because He knows this pain too.